April 21, 2023, 6:39 a.m.
Volume 4, Issue 7: Filling the Well
Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice
This is typically a paid subscriber-only issue of Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice, but my gut tells me this issue should be accessible for everyone. Please feel free to share this widely!
Hi friends! Heavy-topic update at the end of this newsletter. In other news, my new lemon tree has aphids and so I bought a small container of ladybugs at the nursery. I am not a fan of bugs and I had to do a lot of positive self-talk to manage driving home with a container of bugs sitting next to me and then even more to have the container of bugs in our home until it was the right conditions to release them onto the tree. We did that Wednesday night and I spent all my moments between work meetings on Thursday going out and micromanaging the ladybugs. Seems as though they did their jobs because we can’t see any more aphids on the plant. Fingers crossed it stays that way! I won’t post the photo I took of all the ladybugs, just in case some of you are creeped out; however, I will share this picture of the flight of ice cream we got from an amazing, local ice cream shop, KoolFi Creamery. It’s owned and operated by the absolute cutest queer couple and we’ll definitely be going back.
Something that has come up for me multiple times recently is refilling my “well.” By that I mean reclaiming some energy, bandwidth, spoons, spell slots, hearts, hit points, whatever you want to call it. Ways that I can refill my well so that there is something there the next time I need to pour into someone or something else.
First and foremost are rest, food, and hydration. Especially rest. I don’t know about you, but rest alone, while wonderful and necessary, doesn’t fully fill up my tank. I also need to do things and I am not talking about productivity. Don’t get me wrong, I am definitely fed by the satisfaction of a job well-done but not everything that can fill my well is also something that is “productive” in the capitalism-sense.
Lisa Olivera, author of Already Enough: A Path to Self-Acceptance, posted a list in her Instagram stories the other day she titled “Places to get a dopamine boost other than on my phone.” It made me realize that there are different categories of things that fill my well and some may involve my mobile phone and others do not. I would prefer to weigh things more toward the things that do not involve being on my phone in a way that requires it to be in my hand and looking at the screen but your mileage may vary. I would also prefer that these things are not dependent on my spending money but again, you do you. I think of these categories of “stuff that fills my well” in terms of ways that one would get water from one place to dump it in another. So for instance, cups, buckets, or garden hose and how I make the differentiation is by imagining the ratio of effort/accessibility vs. payout.
Things that I would consider cups would be:
Putting on a show tune and singing/performing along
Texting someone to tell them I appreciate them
Hugging my wife
Eating a delicious snack
Looking out our front window
Reading a single issue comic book
Stretching for a couple minutes
Focused breathing for a couple minutes
Drinking something sweet and (hopefully) caffeinated
Listen to some favorite music
The above are things that take minimal effort to do, I can do them most any time (maybe not the caffeine) without leaving the house, and they don’t take a large amount of time to do. “Cups” are also things I can do every day or multiple in a single day.
Things that I would consider buckets would be:
Cooking something from scratch, like beans!
Watching a show or movie I enjoy
Reading a book (audiobooks totally count)
Taking a luxurious shower
Writing something for fun
Plant care
Going for a walk
Tidying and organizing
Write some snail mail
Trying a new restaurant for takeout
Having a nap or at least lie down for a bit
Riding the stationary bike
Baking something from scratch
Listening to some new-to-me music
Browsing a bookstore
The above are things that take a bit more time and resources, whether it’s physical resources, internal resources, time, or a combination. They involve a bit of planning and have some restrictions (can’t start baking at 10:30pm, walks need to happen during daylight hours, ingredients need to be on hand for cooking). They also have a bit of a heartier payoff than the things in the “cups” group. A pot of beans can feed us for a few days and depending on the book, I could ride the reading high for a week.
Things that I would consider a garden hose would be:
Planning a day trip somewhere
Going to an antiques faire
Having a long walk on the beach at low tide
Going to a museum to see a specific exhibit
Taking the cameras to the botanical gardens or aquarium
Having guests over for a meal
Spending time with a loved one/friend
Learning a song on the ukulele
The above are things that take planning and can have multiple variables and moving parts. It may depend on other people’s schedules. It may involve buying tickets to a museum two months in advance. It may involve finding a day where I am not working and the low tide is at a reasonable hour for getting to the beach and having a walk. They take a significant amount of time and labor but I can ride that dopamine high off those things for days if not weeks.
These lists are different for every person and my own lists can vary from day to day. It's important to have your list accessible so you can easily add to it if you think of things and you can quickly look at it if you need an idea for something to do that will help fill your well. If you’re trying to stay off your mobile phone, it’s also important that this list does not live in your notes app or if it does, have a physical copy somewhere where you can readily see it.
I would love to hear what your cups, buckets, and garden hoses are! Unless it’s sex, because I already know it could be on all three lists depending on who you are wink wink. ALREADY NOTED, MY FRIENDS. But seriously, share with me the things that fill your well and if I get enough, I’ll share them with everyone else. If I’m feeling extra fancy and have plenty of items, I’ll consider keeping a communal list going.
Also, yes, I know that this is not how wells work. I know we do not pour water into them then take the water right back out. They pull water from aquifers, etc. Just let me have this imperfect and questionable metaphor.
The heavy stuff:
Last Friday was my mother’s funeral. My family is loud and irreverent and hilarious. I’m sure we laughed as much as we cried. I saw people that I hadn’t seen in decades. There had to be over 120 people in attendance. It was excellent to have everyone together and it was an absolute shit reason for it to happen. You can read my mother’s obituary and the eulogy (both written by me) here. That link also has the playlist I made for the funeral and after-party. I think other people call it a “wake?” I don’t know. My family is unhinged and wonderful so we called it the after-party. And it was at a library.
That’s it for this week! You can shop any books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481. If you are a subscriber and would like for me to send you some happy mail, feel free to give me your address.
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