Volume 4, Issue 6: The Importance of Saying Thank You
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Hi friends. Tomorrow (April 1st) is my birthday and it feels weird to not care this year. I’m just kinda wandering around in a state of shock since my mom died and dissociating like a mofo. Family and friends have been phenomenal at stepping up to help with services as well as sending along DoorDash gift cards and checking in. Nicole and I have been off work the past two weeks and I’ll continue to be off work for at least another week if not two more.
A couple weeks ago I shared an essay in which I recounted a conversation I had with my mother before she passed. My therapist had asked me if there was anything that I needed to hear from my mother in return and I thought about it before saying, “No, actually. I'm good.” My mother was quite good at sharing how she felt. I don’t think she could have hid it if she tried because everything from her joy to her anger could fill a room. But this also meant that she was always forthcoming with praise and with gratitude. She was also really big on showing people how she felt with actions and one of her favorite things to say was, “Actions speak louder than words.”
I do my best to remember this and last Monday we delivered a couple cookie bouquets to the hospital staff that took care of my mother. It is 100% what she would have done.
I admit, I am quick to give a lengthy side-eye to any sort of gratitude “practice” or “reflection” when it is internal (it works for some folks and that’s rad! Keep it up!); however, one of the greatest things I learned from my therapist (who read this online) is this:
Being full of gratitude for someone and never actually thanking them is like having a beautifully-wrapped gift and never giving it to them to open.
I am not saying this is easy. Even expressing good feelings can be scary and difficult for many of us. I’m definitely still learning and I find it hard a lot of the time. What I do know is that no stable person is going to respond to a genuine thanks with, “Fuck you! How dare you say that to me?!” If someone actually did say that, then I think I’d have many, many more questions.
So that’s your homework. Thank someone. Tell them you appreciate them. It doesn’t have to be a huge gesture or even refer to a huge gesture, just take notice of things. It can be a “Thank you for always responding to my texts when you get a moment” or “Thank you for listening when I need to vent without immediately offering advice, I appreciate that.” Yesterday we went on a bit of a drive and there was traffic and I thanked Nicole for driving because I recognize that driving a manual in stop and go traffic is shitty and I am always grateful for her willingness to do that. If you get in the habit of doing it for the simpler things it makes it easier when it comes time to do it for the big stuff.
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As I mentioned, tomorrow is my birthday. All my links are below. Please consider a donation to the Transgender Law Center and/or Trans Lifeline. Also, it’s April Fool’s Day so don’t forget to be skeptical of anything you see on the internet as you should be the other 364 days a year.
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That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481.
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