Volume 4, Issue 2: Dealing With (Managing?) Change
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Hi friends! First, a bit of housekeeping: I do not want to put Mom updates behind a paywall but I also don’t want to start off every week with them. So, for those who are paying for this newsletter, they’ll be at the end. For the friends and family who only subscribed for the Mom updates, you can find these updates on Facebook as soon as I am able to post them.
Back to my regularly scheduled shenanigans! I acknowledge that I can sometimes be too friendly and too trusting and I’m amazed I haven’t gotten kidnapped yet. I am equal parts highly intelligent and a giant dipshit and this little story proves that:
Today I want to write a bit about change because holy shit there have been a lot of incredibly unexpected and difficult changes in my life in the last month+. I am a frequent user of the phrases, “I’m bad at change” and “I don’t do well with changes” and “I really don’t handle unexpected changes well.” I’ve said these phrases so many times and for so long that I have internalized them as core parts of my identity.
I was saying this to my therapist the other day and she gave a confused look and said, “You are amazing at handling change.” She went on to talk about how I’ve been able to be flexible and I’m able to pivot when needed and I handle everything that has been thrown at me. I didn’t know how to respond and I’ve been thinking about this for days because she isn’t wrong. I’m incredibly good at problem solving and thinking on the fly. I have dozens of examples where I’ve been masterful at handling change.
What does “bad” at change even mean? Does a person who is bad at change simply refuse to engage? Just lay down and shut their eyes? Or maybe they’re someone who gets angry or debilitatingly anxious. Maybe they have a panic attack, which, hey, no shame in that. I’ve definitely had legitimate panic attacks and they are terrible but I don’t think I’ve had one in response to change that I didn’t eventually work through.
So why do I keep saying I’m “bad” at change? I’m still unpacking this thing that I’ve internalized and what I keep returning to is that maybe it’s partially a defense mechanism. If I say that I’m bad at something, then I won’t be asked to do it. If I say I don’t handle change well, then I will never be expected to deal with it. We all know this is a huge lie. The other thought I have is maybe it’s just a matter of phrasing. It’s not that I’m bad at change, it’s that I don’t like it when it’s negative change. Which is totally reasonable! Shitty things are shitty! But saying, “I don’t like shitty things” is different from saying “I don’t handle shitty things well.”
Maybe that’s the key to my reframe. It’s true that nexpected negative changes are hard and awful and I hate them and also it’s true that I am a capable person who can handle things as they come. I think this is true for many of us and that we are much more competent than we may believe ourselves to be.
"All that you touch you Change. All that you Change Changes you. The only lasting truth is Change." - Octavia E. Butler
CW: Cancer, illness
For those following along for Mom updates, she basically has leukemia. She was admitted to the hospital on Wednesday afternoon and they started chemotherapy that evening. Ideally a stem cell/bone marrow transplant is in her future and since I’m an only child, I’m the most likely candidate unless, of course, I inherited the gene that she has that would predispose me to this same cancer that would likely appear when I am also in my 60s. So, yeah. At least the hematologist-oncologist said that the goal with treatments is curative and they seem optimistic. Her care team is phenomenal and we’ve had nothing but excellent support from all the medical staff.
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