Volume 4, Issue 10: On Thoughtfulness
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Hi friends! Last weekend was our annual cherry-picking trip, which also included picking up about 18 lbs of strawberries from one of our favorite farm stands as well as some freshly-picked blackberries that were still warm from the sun when they handed them over. It was a fruit-filled weekend, as I made shrubs, strawberry jam, and we pitted multiple pounds of cherries to freeze. We froze a lot of the strawberries as well, for future gelato. I also had Bean Day on Monday and aside from picking the fruit I spent the rest of the weekend in the kitchen and it felt good.
I was recently talking to a friend whose kiddo is about to lose his first teeth and she mentioned not having any idea of the going rate for teeth these days (as to be paid by the tooth fairy). This conversation unlocked a memory for me because I remember exactly what I got from the tooth fairy when I was losing my first teeth.
I’ve mentioned a number of times about how incredibly thoughtful my mother was and being my tooth fairy, in retrospect, is one of many examples. When I lost a tooth I got one dollar, but not just any dollar: I got a 1979 Susan B. Anthony silver dollar. That was the year I was born and she was one of the inspirations for my middle name. A silver dollar was practically pirate treasure as far as 6-year-old me was concerned. Yes, it was a dollar and so many people can’t be bothered to carry around cash anymore but those silver dollars were priceless to me.
I think a lot about thoughtfulness, as I was raised by multiple very thoughtful women. While I think it can be learned, I don’t think that it can be fully taught in a short amount of time. I realize that some of it might be cultural as well and nurtured in the ways that I was taught to think of community and relationships. All that being said, I think some of learning it mostly comes down to two core elements: attentiveness and effort. Notice I haven’t mentioned money or other possibly prohibitive things. There are so many things that could be thoughtful and create wonderful memories or even moments that don’t involve a large cache of resources.
Thoughtfulness starts with attentiveness, that is, noticing things about the people in your life and being curious about your loved ones whether they be friends, family, or romantic partners. It could be related to food, like how I know my wife’s Peet’s Coffee order by heart or she knows which donuts to pick out for me if I am not with her. It can also be in knowing my friends’ food allergies and restrictions and picking restaurants or planning meals with them that they can enjoy.
Attentiveness is not only food, of course. It’s remembering birthdays and also other important dates such as the anniversary of a friend’s parent’s passing or a loved one’s wedding anniversary. It’s in being genuinely curious enough to not only ask someone’s favorite book or film or musician, but why they love that bit of media so much. It’s important that I point out being genuinely curious and coming from a place of love because there are folks who will do this sort of thing and use the information to abuse and manipulate people. I hate that I even have to say that but I’ve seen it happen and it’s worth stepping back and thinking about if your efforts are self-serving.
The second element I mentioned is effort. The effort does not always need to be a grand gesture and honestly, I don’t think it ever needs to be a huge thing. Yes, it can include buying something for someone that they would like (their favorite snack you’ve noticed, etc.) but it could be as simple as a check-in text (if you have the spell slots to do so). Checking in when you know a loved one is going through something difficult, of course, but also, checking in at any time because people are going through so much that we don’t know.
Thoughtfulness in action can be reading a friend’s favorite book. One of the things that Nicole did when we first started dating was that she read a dozen or more of my favorite books at the time as a way to get to know me. I put loved ones’ birthdays on my Google calendar and set a notification to email me one to two weeks prior so that I can send a card. Sometimes it’s a postcard, but it’s still a card! Sometimes the effort is just showing up.
When people say, “It’s the thought that counts,” I think it still implies the effort. Thinking of someone is the first step, but telling them they’re on your mind is the part that makes the difference. Don’t let this newsletter fool you, I’m still working on that second part.
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That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
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