Volume 3, Issue 25: Feelings Can Be Scary
This is a paid subscriber-only issue of Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice. Please do not forward this email. I appreciate your support and respect for my work!
Hi friends! My team for my day job is fully remote and that means we forfeit our gorgeous office space. This week I went into the office to clean out my desk and apparently rats had chewed on some of my folders and papers and left a few poops for good measure. Rats made it into the building early in the pandemic when it was empty and though I didn’t have food in my desk they still decided that my printed spreadsheets were worth eating? Sigh.
Anyway, cleaning out my desk on Wednesday gave me an opportunity to lean in to my intention for the full moon cycle that started: “I release overthinking things.” If I haven’t needed those papers or printouts in the nearly 3 years that I’ve been working from home without them, then they can go. I put about 99% of the papers in my desk into the shredding bin and it felt amazing. Release indeed.
Here’s a gratuitous photo of me being festive. Jumpsuit from Big Bud Press, earrings from Reb’s Rainbow Haus.
Image description: Close-up of Patricia, a Black woman, facing forward but with her eyes looking up and to the left. She wears large, shiny, rainbow, Christmas tree earrings and a green jumpsuit with a food pattern on it. Her hair is curly and purple.
Today I want to write about something that has been on my mind lately. Recently, a friend mentioned not wanting to write down feelings because “then the feelings would be real and that’s scary.” Then the same evening, someone else mentioned not wanting to have a conversation with a loved one because they were scared that they (or the other person) would cry.
I’ve mentioned before that the way I get myself to do [some] things that I find scary or I just don’t like to do is by asking myself, “But will it kill me?” The answer has always, thus far, been no, it won’t, and also that is a really fucking dramatic and on-brand way to make decisions. My recent conversations with friends made something click for me: sometimes when we think of something as “scary,” our brains might be equating it with being “unsafe” or “dangerous.” So maybe the answer to something being scary is asking questions. What do you mean by “scary?” What is scary about it? What are you afraid will happen? And because I am who I am: Will you be harmed in any way by doing this thing, having this conversation, etc.?
Asking myself these questions when I’m scared of doing something often allows me to be scared and do the thing anyway. I should say, asking myself these questions and recognizing that in that moment, I am safe. I am okay. Having feelings isn't going to hurt me. Apologizing or having a hard conversation or asking for help aren’t going to hurt me.
This isn’t always true with every situation and we all need to be the judge of that. Maybe you’re not around people who are concerned with your psychological, emotional, and physical safety. Maybe the conversation you need to have is with someone who is verbally abusive or manipulative or lashes out. I am not saying that we are all safe all of the time but I think it’s worth examining that sometimes when we’re feeling scared we’re still going to be okay.
In case you missed it, last week I posted my Best Books of 2022 list. I have read over 100 books this year and it was hard to narrow it down but I managed (kind of).
That’s it for this week! You can shop any books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481. If you are a paid subscriber and would like for me to send you some happy mail, feel free to give me your address.
If you enjoy this newsletter, here are ways to show your support for my writing and resource curation:
That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481.
You can find our podcast, Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice on Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, and wherever else you get your podcasts.