Volume 3, Issue 23: It's Already That Time of Year
This is a paid subscriber-only issue of Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice. Please do not forward this email. I appreciate your support and respect for my work!
Hi friends! The other day I was chatting with a pal and we were talking about how we each aspire to have rituals around the lunar cycles (specifically the New Moon and the Full Moon). My brilliant buddy noted that she read my issue a couple weeks ago on accountability and she asked if we could be accountibili-buddies for the lunar cycles. I said yes, of course. As I mentioned before, accountability is what works for me so I’m going to lean into it wherever I can. Acknowledging the moon phases will add a bit of structure to my life which feels pretty chaotic and I’ll have a small chunk of time every couple weeks where I can be fully present and do something for myself. At the end of this newsletter issue I’ll link to my document of what my rituals entail.
I guess the other lesson from this is: be careful what you put out in the world because someone may hold you to it!
This is the last “essay” issue of this newsletter before Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving remains a trash holiday. It’s a reminder of the genocide of millions of Indigenous people and we should all spend the day learning about it and honoring the Indigenous people in our country. Here are 8 ways to decolonize your Thanksgiving.
All that being said, I want to share some thoughts on navigating the holidays given that there is still a pandemic as well as some of the population believing that groups that include me, my wife, maybe even you don’t deserve rights. These past 3 years have been like the Olympic games of drawing boundaries so here is what I have to share. Your mileage may vary as all our families and circles are different so as always, take what’s best and leave the rest.
Tip #1: It’s okay for other people to not like your boundaries
Honestly, they probably won’t and you may not even feel good drawing a necessary boundary. It’s okay if someone gets upset. They might scream, cry, be rude, make it about them, etc. but it’s okay. It’s really unlikely that someone is going to die from being mad that you drew a boundary. Maybe you decide that what you need to do for your own peace is to not draw that boundary and that’s okay too. If a relationship is “ruined” from your choosing your own safety, peace, or sanity, then surprise! There’s a bigger conversation to be had. It was never the boundary.
Tip #2: Make a plan ahead of time
One of our wedding vows is, “I will go to the things you want to go to and I will leave when you want to leave.” Sometimes some places/events/experiences get overwhelming or we get bad vibes and one of us needs to tap out. We agree that either of us is allowed to tap out of things when we want to and we will not guilt or chastise one another over it. This has been in our playbook for a decade and over the years we’ve learned that some situations require a contingency plan or two. “What if we show up and people aren’t masked? What’s the plan?” “What if we go and xyz person starts saying something transphobic, racist, etc.? What’s the plan?” And so forth. Of course, a lot of this depends on trust if you’re with another person or people but even if you are solo, it helps to consider some strategies on making the holiday safe for you.
Tip #3: Let people surprise you
The other day I had to draw a boundary with someone who is notorious for being pretty terrible at hearing me say no. Full-on adult tantrum with the screaming and crying and silent treatment and on and on. They have been like this the entire time I have known them so I was bracing myself when I told them that I could not do the thing they were wanting me to do.
And they said, “Okay.” And that was it. No explosion, no silent treatment after, no passive-aggression. Friends, I was shocked.
I want to stress that we don’t owe people multiple opportunities to be decent while acknowledging that there are some people we want to keep in our lives. Usually I would just give in and take the path of least resistance (which does no one any favors, to be honest) but my health was a concern so that wasn’t an option. Sometimes people will disappoint you but sometimes, they’ll surprise the hell out of you.
Here’s the link to my Lunar, Equinox, and Solstice rituals if you’re interested. Links within are affiliate links.
That’s it for this week! You can shop any books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481. If you are a paid subscriber and would like for me to send you some happy mail, feel free to give me your address.
If you enjoy this newsletter, here are ways to show your support for my writing and resource curation:
That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481.
You can find our podcast, Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice on Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, and wherever else you get your podcasts.