Volume 3, Issue 15: On Avoidance
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Hi friends! Today I want to talk about a recurring theme in my life because I find that if I tweet about it or talk about it to friends it tends to resonate more than I imagine. The theme is: avoidance! Avoidance of what? Literally anything that I imagine would cause me a modicum of anxiety or discomfort or that might be “hard” or “stressful” or “unfun.”
Whatever thing I’m avoiding at the moment starts to become even more scary the longer I avoid it. I start to build it up in my head. It becomes this terrifying kaiju that I’m not only avoiding but beginning to think that I couldn’t even conquer if I tried. Sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes the magical thinking creeps in. Like, maybe something will magically fix itself or no longer be an issue if I just avoid it.
“Maybe this toothache will just go away.”
“Maybe my boss will just give me a raise without my asking.”
“Maybe my friend will start initiating contact more than me on their own without me mentioning it bothers me.”
“Maybe the garage will clean itself.”
“Maybe this leak will stop on its own without having to tell the property manager.”
This is not how the world works. Even if I believed in a god, I’m quite sure they would have more important things to think about than a leaky bathroom faucet or a cluttered spare room.
Making that appointment, texting that friend, cleaning that junk drawer, whatever it is, will get built up in my head so incredibly out of proportion that it’s almost comical. The thing is, while I’m employing avoidance to alleviate anxiety it actually ends up causing me more anxiety than just doing that damn thing.
A recent example: On Oct. 6, 2021, the U.S. Department of Education (ED) announced a temporary period during which borrowers may receive credit for payments that previously did not qualify for PSLF or TEPSLF. This means that my years at my previous job now count toward my student loan forgiveness and I can probably get the rest of my student loans forgiven. The process involves paperwork signed by my past employer as well as my current employer, consolidating my loans, and then printing and physically mailing the paperwork to the Department of Education.
I actually did the “hardest” part right away and emailed my pdf to my past employer to have them verify my employment. They had it back to me in a couple days. This was in January of this year. I then put the next two parts on my to do list and proceeded to avoid doing them for 6 months. I just did them a week and a half ago. Do you know how long the two things took me to do? 30 minutes.
30. Fucking. Minutes.
I avoided thirty minutes of digital paperwork for six entire months because it made me anxious. Why did it make me anxious? I don’t fucking know! I actually do not know why it scared me so much.
So I’ve been trying to recognize when I start going into this avoidance spiral and then maybe, I don’t know, just do the thing? Perhaps also recognize that avoiding things is actually making me more stressed out? Most of the things are one-time things so it helps to repeat, “If I do it, then it will be done, and I don’t have to do it anymore.” The prospect of not having the thing loom over me tends to be surprisingly motivating. I don’t think I’ll ever stop avoiding unpleasant things entirely but I am working on it.
As always, I hope this helps!
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