Hi friends! Today’s newsletter is a culmination of a few things. Back in May, I wrote about the importance of doing things for fun, that is, doing things not for compensation in any way (monetary, social media “likes”). A couple weeks ago I wrote about the idea that just because you have the ability to do something doesn’t mean you should do the thing. I’ve also written a number of times that sometimes the catalyst that pushes me to do something is finally just being sick of my own bullshit.
I “should” myself a lot. It’s often in the form of what I “should” be doing. Like, I want to read some random graphic novel but I should be reading the things that I’m getting paid to talk about. I want to bake but I should really take care of my floordrobe. I want to get back to learning to play the ukulele but I should be writing.
I feel safest when there is an order to things. Is it my OCD and general anxiety? Maybe! Is it just me making arbitrary rules for myself because I grew up in an environment that had a lot of rules and I feel like there should always be rules? Maybe it’s that, too!
Is any of this serving me? No! It’s not! Because you know what happens? Instead of writing when I actually want to play ukulele, I end up doing neither because I’m not in the mood to write but I don’t allow myself to make music so I do nothing! I stare at Instagram and end up doing neither the thing I want to do nor the thing I think I should be doing. That is ridiculous. Of course, there is always the argument that playing ukulele is part of writing because the way that creativity is linked for some people etc. etc. but I’m not even there yet because I’m doing neither. Just being held back by my own shitty, arbitrary, utterly useless rules I make for myself.