Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice Vol 5, Iss 4: On Mind-reading
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Hi friends! Monday is a holiday here in the U.S. It’s President’s Day, a holiday which I am off from work but I certainly don’t celebrate. Abraham Lincoln, while signing the Emancipation Proclamation, was still a huge racist and we aren’t really taught that in school. If you are unaware, he initially wanted to free the enslaved people and then ship them off to some other country. He did not believe my ancestors were equal to whites and he referred to Black people as “a troublesome presence.” Now I want to design and wear a crop top that says, “Troublesome Presence” on it.
Also, for anyone keeping track, we have our appointments to get our noses pierced this weekend. I will definitely be singing “I’m the Bravest Individual” from Sweet Charity for the full 24 hours leading up to our appointment. Anything just to feel something, amirite?
Before I get to this week’s essay, I want to share the bean recipe I made last Sunday: Rancho Gordo’s Christmas Limas with Gorgonzola Sauce. Below are the beans once they were rinsed and before I got them soaking. I will not share a photo of the finished meal because it is incredibly unphotogenic. It does not look good at all, but the taste? Absolute heaven. If a restaurant served this dish, I would pay good money for it and I would eat it again and again. It is definitely one of the best bean dishes I have ever made.
Today I want to talk about something that I sometimes get a lot of pushback about, especially from people who are also in long-term relationships. I want to talk about mind-reading. Y’all: mind-reading isn’t real. Yet it seems to be where many of the most prevalent breakdowns in communication reside, especially around the assumption that a partner (or friend or parent or even coworker) should just know what you’re talking about or what you’re asking for etc.
Storytime! Very early in our relationship, Nicole was in a job where she would work 12-hour and 24-hour shifts but then she would have full days where she could hang around the apartment. One day I asked her to take the trash out while I was at work. I said, “Will you take the trash out today, please?” When I got home, I went to the bathroom and the trash can was still very full. I asked her what happened to taking the trash out and she said she did but I countered that the bathroom trash bin was still full. She then said something that made me short-circuit: “You didn’t tell me to take out the bathroom trash.” She was 100% right. I didn’t. I said “the trash” and I left a whole lot up to interpretation. She interpreted it as, “The main kitchen trash, the one we use all the time and the one that probably has a funk” while I meant, “Empty all of the trash bins in the apartment and also the recycling and put clean liners in each bin.” But that is not what I said.
At this point, I feel like some of you are thinking, “But come on! She should have known that. It’s common sense.” Is it, though? Clearly it’s not, because she didn’t know. I grew up in a home where “taking out the trash” meant “taking out all trash” and when she was growing up, her chore may have been to take out the main trash. It would have been unfair for me to be mad at her for that, for not correctly reading my mind. I want to note that this was not weaponized incompetence. Once I explained what I meant she did it that way moving forward.
After that, Nicole and I began to (and continue to) base so much of our communication around the acknowledgement and agreement that mind-reading isn’t real. We try to communicate openly about our wants, needs, and feelings which can be really fucking hard, especially in long-term relationships. This is where phrases like, “They should just know that I’m extra tired on Thursdays because I have therapy” or “I shouldn’t have to ask for xyz” or “Anyone can see that I’m sad/upset/anxious/angry right now” can be super prevalent and not at all helpful.
An example I return to repeatedly because it actually brings me a lot of joy is this: years ago, my friend bought a tiny piñata for her kiddo’s birthday and they asked their spouse to “pick up some candy to fill the very small piñata.” When I say tiny, I mean this thing was maybe the size of a 16-ounce pint glass at best. The spouse came home with an 18-pack of Ferrero Rocher, a couple large bags of loose Haribo gummy bears, and a large bag of Swedish Fish (also loose). It has been years and I am still laughing. It is such a perfect example around the necessity of being explicit and also the importance of asking clarifying questions. The spouse was unfamiliar with the kind of candy that went into a piñata and also, I don’t think they had actually seen the size of the thing. Of course, this endeared me to them even more and even though I heard this story second-hand, I learned some very solid lessons.
It can be incredibly difficult and uncomfortable to communicate explicitly in long-term relationships, especially when there is so much media out there romanticizing finding that special someone (or someones!) who knows your every thought and feeling, want and need, without asking. This is also true in long-term friendships and also other familial relationships. Yes, of course it is possible to know someone well and know their likes and dislikes but forcing it as an expectation can lead to some disappointments and some rows. Not to mention, some folks with certain flavors of neurodivergence are unable to pick up on things like hints or subtext. If a person doesn’t realize this about themself, then not only does the assumption of mind-reading and common knowledge cause an interpersonal problem but it can also just make a person feel like shit. Personally, I don’t want Nicole to have to guess what I’m asking all the time or what I’m feeling and it’s definitely not a game she likes playing. I don’t want to put my other loved ones in that position either.
People can’t know what’s on your mind if you don’t tell them. They might be able to guess sometimes, but not always.
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