Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice, Vol 4, Iss 16: Knowing When to Say, "It's Not For Me"
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Hi friends! I am going to spare you the details of the horrors of the past week and just say that the Greek tragedy I am starring in is truly an epic tale. In fact, my body is really keeping the score right now and I have begun to have some health issues from the extreme amount of stress. Some of the ways we are trying to counteract this is to be more active in our joy-seeking. Last Saturday we went to four nurseries/plant shops and bought a lot of plants. I had a couple gift cards to use and we wanted to buy some herbs that I frequently use fresh. I smelled multiple different types of basil, thyme, rosemary, and sage. At one nursery I smelled maybe four different types of sage before deciding I didn’t like any of them and we should go to another nursery down the road. Buying plants brings me joy and so does being deliberate about the ingredients I use when I cook so it was a good (and exhausting) day. I’m giving them a week or so to get acclimated to their new home before repotting.
Here is a photo of the basil I got because the name is unnecessarily dramatic (and it smelled like what I want basil to smell like). Yes, it is called “Genovese Obsession.”
This week I want to share a shift I made in the language I use and how I view a lot of things, especially media. This shift has brought me some unexpected peace and has done a lot to bypass potential arguments and uncomfortable conversations. The shift is this: Recognizing the difference between when something is “bad” or “terrible” versus when something is “not for me.”
It’s the difference between saying, “This music is awful” versus “This music is not for me.” Personally, I’m not a fan of music that involves white men screaming. It is not for me. Clearly there are people who like it and it’s a matter of taste and I think it’s great that people have found music that resonates with them.
When we were in Hong Kong years ago, I went into an ice cream shop in the Victoria Peak area and tried durian ice cream. I made every person working in the shop howl with laughter at the faces I made because durian is definitely not a flavor for me. Many, many people enjoy it enough that the ice cream shop made a whole ice cream out of it. Not bad, just not for me.
While this perspective is something that I practice daily, here’s the thing: the culprits I see most are often white people, cisgender people, nondisabled people, straight people, etc. Generally, groups of folks who are used to the world around them catering to their likes, wants, and needs.
For example, a few years ago there was a photo going around online of a peeled tangerine inside a plastic container. It had a price sticker on it and it was being sold at the grab-and-go part of a grocery store. The number of people I saw reposting this photo and mocking it, noting that citrus already comes with a natural packaging (a peel) and that this was the most ridiculous thing, etc. was astonishing. I saw a person we knew personally mocking it and I responded that just because it’s not for them doesn’t mean it’s bad. There are people who may not have the motor skills to peel a tangerine themselves but they would still like to eat them. There are a number of disabilities or other reasons why someone may be unable to peel a tangerine. I appreciate that someone had the foresight to make this delicious fruit accessible.
Another example: Beyoncé has sold 29.5 million albums and I have seen more than a few people I know say her music is “bad.” None of these people are Black, mind you. I’m going to argue, again, that her music isn’t bad, it’s just not for them. I actually see this a lot around music. The one thing that someone can say that makes me go, “Oh, so they’ve got some misogyny, homophobia, and racism rolling around inside them” is: “Disco is terrible.” There is actually plenty of writing out there to support my point, such as this article from Time, “When a loudmouthed DJ tried to kill disco, the homophobic and racist implications were impossible to ignore.” Unsurprising side note: It’s almost always some clown who is not a musician or has never studied music in any way that has the loudest opinions on what is “good” music vs. “bad” music.
This also extends to films and television and books and fashion and other art. There is a whole separate conversation to be had about when, for instance, a white book reviewer says a book by a BIPOC author is “bad” when it is actually just not for them but I’m not having that conversation here. We are seeing it a lot with the Barbie movie. I’ve not seen it yet but wow there are a lot of cisgender straight men having some really big feelings about it. I imagine the Venn Diagram is a circle between them and with people who have some really big feelings against the romance genre.
I want to make it clear that yes, there are actual terrible, horrible, no good, very bad things out there for consumption. There are racist, misogynist, transphobic, anti-fat, ableist, antisemetic, etc. things out there that are actually harmful. There are books out there that are poorly edited or even poorly written. There are books written by transphobes and racists (sometimes one in the same). There are poorly acted plays and tv shows with lighting that makes it near impossible to see most of the show. There are “comedians” who make their money off punching down. There are Teslas. There is fashion made by labor practices that are all kinds of human rights violations.
I am absolutely not saying that every single thing is a matter of taste and yes, please, give a bona fide critique of things. I just think that society would noticeably improve if people recognized the difference between what they deem “bad” and what simply does not have them in mind as the audience. There is something that folks would say in the kink community which is generally “Don’t yuck my yum.” So you think the idea of someone tying you up and tickling you is terrible? I promise there are folks out there who think it is very sexy so maybe hold back on the “ew” and “gross,” keep those opinions to yourself, and let consenting adults enjoy the things they enjoy.
Takeaways:
Not bad, just not for you
Don’t yuck other people’s yum
Let people enjoy things
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That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
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