Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice, Vol 4, Iss 18: Rethinking Helpfulness and Rest
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Hi friends! If you are a regular listener to All the Books! then you probably know I am a giant chicken and typically steer clear of reading any horror. I am trying to change this because I used to love horror films but I can no longer handle them and I miss it. I figured maybe I’d do better with reading horror instead and I’ve been saying I would try for years. I have finally dove in this week because I got a copy of a book that I simply could not leave unread: Out There Screaming: An Anthology of New Black Horror edited by Jordan Peele and John Joseph Adams (Bookshop | Amazon | Libro). I’m making my way through it by only reading in the morning while I am drinking my coffee and it is light out and bedtime is multiple hours away.
The other exciting thing I have to report is that in my quest for rest, I am finally going to learn how to crochet. My grandmother crocheted and I have been weirdly intimidated by it? But I watched a video the other day and I shouted, “Wait, that’s it?!” I bought a hook and some yarn and while there are a bajillion videos on YouTube, I learned that some public libraries (including a couple of the ones I use) offer access to Creativebug for free with my library card. Creativebug is like LinkedIn Learning but for crafts, drawing, painting, etc. I might finally learn some brush lettering and calligraphy while I’m at it!
Before I get to today’s insights, here’s a photo of what my actual skeleton looks like if you peel away my human suit:
A couple weeks ago a friend sent me this article on nine types of rest by an Enneagram practitioner. I know close to nothing about the Enneagram but I will read most anything having to do with rest and this article is no exception. One of these “types of rest” in particular made me clutch my pearls and since it is so rare that anything makes me do that I try to really examine what it is that triggered this response. Specifically I am talking about the type of rest defined as “Permission to not be helpful.”
I was raised in a home where we gave back to the community. I’ve volunteered for years in a variety of ways. If someone I know posts a GoFundMe I am sure to give. I got a graduate degree for a “helping” profession. I am a mentor. I was chair of the DEIBJA committee for the professional organization for my day job because I was asked to be in that role. If I can’t physically help someone at the very least I try to check in with a text or email. I may not always be the first to show up but I’m often the last to leave, stacking chairs and wiping tables. I do not know if it has ever crossed my mind to not be helpful, to not give all that I can whenever I can. This newsletter exists because I want to help people.
Peeling back the curtain and taking a closer look, I recognize that the way I was raised, the way that the society we live in thinks of women, especially BIPOC women, is that our value lies in how we can be of service to others. I have internalized this message so deeply that I get upset if I don’t feel “useful.” I am not great at being idle if I see a way I can be helpful. I firmly believe that community care is incredibly important and I don’t think that “permission to not be helpful” means “eff other people and everyone for themselves.” I also think it’s beyond filling my cup just so I can pour into other people’s cups.
Sometimes we focus so much on what we can do for other people and how we can care for and help folks in our communities that we (sometimes blatantly) ignore that we, too, are a member of our community and we are just as deserving of help. And not only help from other people (even though that is super important!) but sometimes the person who needs to help me is me. Maybe rest means looking at a situation and realizing that other people have it handled and I don’t have to swoop in and be the hero. Maybe I should concentrate on what I can do for myself in that moment.
There will always be people in need of help and yes, please, let’s all help each other and also let’s also give ourselves permission to take a rest from helping to recharge. This is something that I have been forced to learn this year. Prior to this (pretty terrible) year I always showed up fully for everyone and everything and right now? I just don’t have it in me no matter how much I wish I did. Do I think I lack value because of this? At first, yes, I was definitely beating myself up over it but over time I’ve been able to afford myself the same grace and compassion that I would allow any of my loved ones in even lesser situations.
I’m currently reading Micro Activism: How You Can Make a Difference in the World Without a Bullhorn by Omkari L. Williams (Bookshop | Amazon) and it’s all about small actions that are consistent and sustainable. I think this is true, too, for how we help others. We can’t all be everyone else’s savior so give yourself permission to help how you can and sometimes that means permission to rest from helping others in order to help yourself.
That’s it for this week! You can shop any books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481. If you are a subscriber and would like for me to send you some happy mail, feel free to give me your address.
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That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
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