Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice Vol 4, Iss 22: More On Demand Avoidance
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Hi friends! I’m not going to bore you with the continued string of nonsense that I’m having to deal with this year but I will say I’m trying to compensate by drinking as much hot chocolate as my body can handle. On the plus side, my truck has finally been towed to a mechanic and fingers crossed that I have a working vehicle by the end of the year. It’s been out of commission since my catalytic converter was stolen in May. Aside from hot chocolate, another one of the ways I’ve been injecting joy into my life has been to get dozens of picture books from the library through the Libby App. I can read the picture books directly on my tablet and it’s been incredibly helpful as I shop for the kids in my life. I do my best not to gift books I have not yet read myself so the library has been a huge help as always.
But yeah. Hi. I’m still around and running mostly on spite right now. But I’m here.
I have been seeing posts about Demand Avoidance going around and this week I saw this one on Instagram and it resonated. It also tickled something in my brain so I dug around and found I’d actually shared a couple resources on Demand Avoidance back in May, Volume 4, Resources 10: Demand Avoidance and Angela Davis in Conversation with OMCA. That was a resource issue so I didn’t dig into it too much then. I want to take the opportunity to do that in today’s issue.
What we know:
Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA) is a term originally developed by the British psychologist Elisabeth Newson in the 1980s and first used in a published research paper by Newson in 2003. (via this article on Demand Avoidance from autism.org.uk).
Demand Avoidance refers to the inability to do seemingly “easy” or “normal” things, like eating, bathing, going to school or work, chores, hanging out with friends, etc.
There is not a ton of research out there on PDA and what exists is a bit feeble.
Demand Avoidance is something that everyone deals with (really, we all encounter shit we don’t want to do at some point or another, even if it’s something common); however, more persistent or extreme cases can occur for folks who are autistic or who have ADHD.
That being said, PDA is not in the Diagnostic & Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th edition (DSM-5) or the most recent version of the International Statistical Classification of Diseases and Related Health Problems (ICD-10). So no one can be “diagnosed” with PDA.
I cannot speak to PDA as it relates to autism or ADHD but I can definitely talk about the lower-level demand avoidance that we all encounter sometimes. I don’t know about you, but I’ve encountered it even more this year than in the past and it makes me think it may be exacerbated by grief, stress, despair, or other hard feelings. “Why can’t I just do the thing?” is something I’ve asked myself frequently. There’s been lots of dragging my feet on cleaning or making phone calls. We still aren’t completely unpacked from our move. I also bump up against demand avoidance when it’s fun things, like meeting up with people to have dinner (on a patio) or we recently went to see a production of Hedwig and the Angry Inch which required the entire audience to be masked and while I desperately love live theatre, I was overcome with a wave of “I-don’t-want-to-go” in the hours leading up to it.
A lot of writers or other creatives also slam into demand avoidance when it comes to doing our writing or whatever it is we should be doing. The ol’ “I hate writing but I love having written,” because the thing is, I am almost always glad that I did whatever it was I was avoiding. Taking a shower. Cleaning off a table. Hanging out with friends.
So how do we “do the thing?” There were a few ideas in this Instagram post and a couple that really resonated with me.
First is thinking about previous experience. When you’ve done the thing in the past, how has it been? I’m literally always happy to see friends even though leading up to it I feel like I never want to see anyone ever. I always feel great after clearing off the dining table (yes, this is a recurring battle I have with mostly myself). Knowing that statistically, you’re probably going to feel positively after doing the thing might help you do the thing.
The other thing from that post that resonated is the idea of doing the thing just a little bit. I have written about a similar process when I talk about being overwhelmed by something and only concentrating on the next logical step. Don’t want to cook a whole meal? Have a snack then regroup and see how you feel. Don’t want to clean the bathroom? Just wipe the mirror and then check in with yourself. Don’t want to make a phone call? Maybe just gather up the paperwork or information you need for it and set out a notepad and pen.
Another strategy is to do the thing sad or mad or cranky or whatever, especially if you have the sense that you’ll probably be glad after getting it done. If you’ve been avoiding a thing, don’t put pressure on yourself to also feel like you have to have the time of your life while doing it. It’s super likely that it’s going to be fine, especially when we’re talking about the common, low-stakes things I’ve been mentioning.
Make a deadline. Some people do well with self-imposed deadlines. This week, I finally made some hard phone calls to deal with my dead vehicle because I said, “I do not want this hanging over my head in 2024.” Part of my “making a deadline” is imagining how wonderful I will feel when I no longer have to do the thing. I try to cultivate some big “get-it-over-with” energy. Related to making a deadline is to put the thing off but then schedule the exact time when you’ll do it. It can go far for some folks to have something on their calendar. Set your reminders, set your alarms.
Related to making a deadline is having an accountability partner for the thing. You may already have one, like a therapist or a coach or a mentor, but it also doesn’t need to be so official. Sometimes a spouse or partner can be your accountabili-buddy but I recognize for some folks that isn’t a viable option for myriad reasons. Sometimes I set up mutual accountability with a friend, for instance, I have an email I don’t want to write that day and they have a phone call they don’t want to make so we arrange to check in with each other after dinner to make sure that we have both done the thing we’re avoiding. Having it feel like a group project can be helpful for some of us (but not for people who were shit at group projects). Sometimes it can be worth using the internet as your accountability partner. Posting on your social media to have people call you out if they see you online because that means you’re not writing, or announcing that you’re going to do whatever and post when it’s done, or posting before and after cleaning photos, if that’s your thing. Personally, I love being an accountability partner because I will literally put it on my calendar or schedule an email to check in on someone to see if they did what they said they’d do. I know this sounds terrifying to some folks so your mileage may vary.
Like with many things, if your demand avoidance is debilitating and getting in the way of your functioning and quality of life, you may want to reach out to a mental health professional. And yes, I understand the irony of telling someone experiencing demand avoidance to then go find a therapist.
For more on PDA, see the following:
Pathological Demand Avoidance Society site
Webpage on Demand Avoidance from the UK’s National Autistic Society
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