EEDA Newsletter Vol 5, Res 6: Disability Etiquette & Long-term Intimacy
This is a public issue of Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice. Feel free to share it!
Hi friends. Earlier this week was the anniversary of my mom’s passing and I just want to say thank you to the friends and loved ones who reached out. My auntie and cousin came over and I made a cake and I made adobo and we ate and laughed and cried and looked at photos. I am still full of feelings and feeling slow and tired this week so I’m doing my best to be gentle with myself.
At the same time, my birthday is coming up on the 1st so while my wishlists are at the bottom of this newsletter as always, I would love it if you shared this issue or a past issue you enjoyed with someone who you think could benefit from it. Resources and such are only helpful if they’re getting to the people who can use them.
This week’s podcast is about imposter syndrome, how many of us underestimate our abilities, bartending, and high ropes courses.
It’s resource week! Let’s get to it.
Resource 1: Disability Etiquette Guide via United Spinal Association
The Disability Etiquette Guide is a 20-page pdf with “tips on interacting respectfully with people with disabilities.” The first guide was made almost 25 years ago and the version I’ve linked was updated in 2023. It offers the basics of interaction, like asking someone if they need help instead of just doing what you assume they “need.” There’s a section on terminology and then it explores four disability categories: Physical, Sensory, Neurodivergent, and Intellectual. One of the things I love about this guide is not only the amount of tips it offers but everything is so clear and straightforward. After reading through it I feel confident about some of the changes I can make to improve my interactions, what I post online, and even the spaces I’m in.
Resource 2: Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connection by Emily Nagoski Ph.D.
I used to be a sex educator and so I’m incredibly picky about the sex and intimacy information that I trust. Emily Nagoski’s work is definitely work I can get behind. Her work is science-based (yay!) and she writes and educates in a way that is both compassionate and accessible. Her book Come As You Are offers such an excellent framework for looking at the sexuality of cisgender women.
While she was writing Come As You Are and then publicizing it and going on tour and giving talks, her sex life with her spouse was practically non-existent. She was writing a lot about sex and talking a lot about sex and actually having very little of it. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having little or no sex if that is what you like but in Nagoski’s case, she actually wanted to be intimate with her partner and it just wasn’t happening much. This is a position that a lot of folks in long-term relationships find themselves in, both straight and queer. So, Emily Nagoski did what she does and took a look at the existing literature and advice and it all ranged from not-helpful to flat-out incorrect. A lot of the advice out there is about spicing things up and novelty and variety and when it comes to a sustainable, lasting sexual connection, this advice misses the mark.
Through this book, Nagoski takes us on a journey of exploring first the question: is having sex something important to the reader and their long-term partner or partners or spouse? Sex is not a necessity and no one will die if they don’t have sex with another person. It is, or should be, something that people do because they want to. Then she gets her primary recommendation: Center pleasure. The rest of the book explores how to do that including how to create a context with your partner where pleasure is possible, how to navigate your internal emotional floorplan so that pleasure is more accessible, and more. Nagoski recognizes we don’t live in a vacuum so she also writes about all the external factors that get in the way of cultivating and experiencing pleasure like gender norms and expectations, heteronormativity, and traumatic experiences.
I love how this book is rooted in research and conversations with real people. It makes it more accessible and realistic and relatable. If you are in a long-term relationship then this book might be helpful to you.
Recent & Current Reads
Inclusion of a book in this section is not necessarily a recommendation and these books won’t necessarily be added to my Bookshop.
Recently Read:
Says Who?: A Kinder, Funner Usage Guide for Everyone Who Cares About Words by Anne Curzan (out 3/26)
The Poisons We Drink by Bethany Baptiste (out 5/7)
The Baker and the Bard by Fern Haught
Currently Reading:
Faebound by Saara El-Arifi
The Marble Queen by Anna Kopp, illustrated by Gabrielle Kari
Out There Screaming: An Anthology of New Black Horror edited by Jordan Peele & John Joseph Adams (Yes, I am still working on this. I got to one story and it thoroughly creeped me out so I’ve set it aside)
That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481.
You can find our podcast, Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice on Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, and wherever else you get your podcasts.