EEDA Newsletter Vol 5, Iss 6: Expanding How We Say No
Hi friends! It is a complicated time of year for me. We are coming up on the one year anniversary of losing my mom. I’m trying to gather up the will to turn on her phone, something I haven’t done in probably 10 months. Yes, we are paying for a phone that will never text me back. Grief is hard and weird and surprising in the worst ways.
On the other end of the spectrum, my birthday is also coming up! I love my birthday and I celebrate the entire month of April because why not? We have so few built-in opportunities to celebrate ourselves as adults so yes, I love my birthday.
My biggest news is that last Friday I finally got my vehicle back from the mechanic! My catalytic converters were stolen in May of last year and between all the damage done during that theft and backordered parts, I haven’t had my vehicle in 10 months. It was just sitting in front of our place until early December and then I was finally able to get it to a mechanic but then it was there for months (no fault of his, it was the backorders). Am I happy to have my vehicle back? Yes, absolutely thrilled! Am I terrified of someone else doing something to it or even stealing it? Yep!
Anyway, the sun is back and that means brighter rainbows in the office.
Recently I was chatting with someone and they were having some concerns about a potential situation they may be dealing with. They are doing something for funsies, totally elective, and they are afraid they are going to be asked to do a particular thing that they don’t want to do. I offered two options that I think we can all apply in our lives one way or another.
First, depending on the situation, if you are at a party or event or even in a class and you are worried about something, one option is to talk to the person who is in charge and let them know your worries. I know that advocating for ourselves can be really, really difficult. I’m certainly not an expert at it, but I have come to realize there are more situations where I have the option of advocating for myself than I think there are. Sure, I may not actually ask for help getting my needs met but I’m at least starting to recognize the situations where I can. People are often surprised when I give this advice and I’m often met with, “Wait, I can ask for that?” Yes, yes you can!
The second option is opting out. “I don’t want to” is a valid enough reason to say no to many things, which might be difficult to grasp for some of us who were raised where we weren't allowed to say no. We so often think of saying no as a response to a request but no can also be just up and leaving the table if someone says something homophobic or it can be not finishing a book you’re reading for fun if you’re just not into it. Opting out expands our opportunities to say no and make room for things we want to say yes to. Or not! Maybe it’s just “I don’t want to” and that’s that and that is legit.
Of course, there are times when settling into the discomfort of a situation or event or process makes room for growth. It’s important to figure out if this is one of those “growth” situations and also, if you’re even interested in growing at that time. Honestly, sometimes I am exhausted and I’d like fewer “lessons learned.” There are also things that can jump up and bite Future You in the ass like opting out of oh, say, getting a vaccine or opting out of having hard conversations with your partner or roommate. Use your best judgment.
I told this story in a past issue but it’s worth telling again in the context of “opting out.” Many years ago, I went to an allergist and the appointment was to have a follow-up to a recent urgent care visit for an allergic reaction and to talk about allergy testing. Talking: the plan was for talking. After I checked in, the nurse brought me in the back and said, “I’m just going to get your weight here” and I said, “No thank you.” I was terrified with the sense of disobeying a medical professional but I asked what my weight had to do with talking about my allergies and she didn’t actually have an answer. I have had doctors comment on my weight in a variety of appointments that have nothing to do with weight, like when I got a weird bug bite and when I was dealing with some extra-dry skin. I was not about to give them fodder to bring my weight into a conversation about allergy testing, especially for no reason. So I opted out.
While we cannot control other people, it’s important to recognize that we at least have power over ourselves and what we choose to do.
That’s it for this week! You can shop many books I’ve mentioned in this newsletter at my affiliate shop, The Infophile’s Bookshop, and support independent bookstores. In fact, any Bookshop, Amazon, or Etsy links in this newsletter are affiliate links so if you shop through those, it helps support my work. Or you can leave me a tip on Ko-fi, Paypal, or Venmo.
If you want to send me some snail mail, you can find me at P.O. Box 21481, Oakland, CA 94620-1481.
You can find our podcast, Enthusiastic Encouragement & Dubious Advice on Apple Podcasts, YouTube, Spotify, and wherever else you get your podcasts.